you're killing me, you're really killing me..

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

Currently Listening Eyes Open By Snow Patrol Chasing Cars see related

alright so check it out..since everyone else is doing a first day of school post i thought why not. alright so after the day today i can't wait for this year to be over i'm not gonna lie. yeah it's senior year but i'm ready for college..i can't say that enough haha..seriously though i can't wait.

it's pretty crazy at calvary..it's crowded and there's like people everywhere..it's cool though..a lot of new people that are cool..except no new people in my class..i was hoping for some men haha. the teachers are..uh..the same..i already got yelled at a few times for talking..but i wasn't late to any class yet haha yay. people were like taking bets about how soon i'm gonna get a detention..wow like who does that..haha. i'm trying to decide if i should try to break my record from last year of tardies and detentions or not haha..

the classes are pretty hard..especially physics and calculus..i wonder why i'm in those classes..like it was the first day and i'm already lost..yeah..and people say i'm smart..well they say i am at school at least..everything else not so much haha..i'm not really good at school though..somehow i get dece grades though i never understand what is going on half the time haha..works for me i guess. 

so i didn't really think i was gonna sit down and write a new post today so i really got like nothing..hmm i'll see what else i can do...

justin timberlake's song sexyback? yeah it's great. at first i was like what the heck kind of song is this..his voice was a little shady and timbaland taking him to the chorus..yeah i didn't know about all that..but it has definitely grown on me..i mean come on it's justin timberlake..he's bringing sexy back.

oh yeah i'm angry. so i was going to go visit my sister in north carolina in october..fly by myself aw yeah..but now my parents won't let me cuz i'd miss two days of school and they don't like the idea of me flying by myself..it really makes me mad..why can't i ever make my own decisions. two days of school is not a big deal..especially when my brother got to miss school for a pearl jam concert..i mean come on. 

i finally have my senior pictures on friday i think..woohoo we'll see how that goes..i think i get to miss some school so that's always good news.

..like 38 weeks til graduation..haha...holla

We'll do it all
..everything on our own..
We don't need anything..
..or anyone
If I lay here
..if I just lay here..
would you lie with me and just forget the world?

^my bro and his college boys!

jordan is off to college..i'm really excited for him to get out of holland and meet new people and like start real life out of high school..i'm jealous!

it makes me sad that now i'm the only kid left here while all my other siblings are out with their own lives. it's sad that now where jordan calls home isn't where i am and the same place i do..

this whole time of getting him all ready to go off to college makes me really excited for when i get to go! packing and getting a bunch of stuff for the dorm room and getting a roomate and meeting new people and being independent and everything else that goes with college..i'm excited for!

so one more year here in high school..as it comes closer to starting i'm almost getting excited..wait i wouldn't say excited haha..like becoming okay with another year of high school..because i know that after this year i get to leave haha..no and because i know this is the last year with things how they are..after this year i'll be leaving everyone and everything i've known for the past 17 years..i know when the time comes to leave i'll be really sad and unsure of what's ahead, having to make my own decisions not having them made for me. so i will try to make the most of this last year in high school..not just try to get by and move on with my life but really have it mean something and be fun!

nobody knows..

..nobody knows what lies in front of me

..i have to face the world and live my life alone..

nobody knows..

..nobody knows what lies in front of me

..that's why i find myself alone..

Take me back
when I cant go on
Take me back
when Im not that strong
Take me, take me, take me, take me back

Two sides collide, sparks fly, you cant hide
there's no middle ground in the fight between wrong and right
realize this is real, aint no disguise in this field
we here to rise against the evil that resides in field
behind these eyes breathe livin flames of pure light
aint no surprise my life rests in the hands of the most high
even though my faith is small, it gets clouded when I cant see
please take me back to the place I first believed

Step back, minefields all around
getting clocked by demons fightin and bitein' at the sound
playin fields hidden, runnin like battlin Marco Polo
doin everything for yourself, tryin, like flyin solo
keeping thangs on the low-low
fast like one-hour-photo
dont you remember when He brought you back when you were down so low
yeah, I remember when I first believed
things have gotten much hard than I first perceived
obstacles rise, earthquakes of life, out of sight shake me
thangs all around seem like they try to break me
still I trust in the one who did save me
even though I cant feel ya wont you just take me

Take me back
when I cant go on
Take me back
when Im not that strong
Take me, won't you just, take me, won't you just, take me back

Clouded by distractions in this lifes storm
I got struggles, I aint perfect, yall must be warned
But it ain about how much Ive been torn
Christ, u see, he grabbed my life by the horns
Im redeemed, wiped clean in Him by faith
And see Im growin more and more everyday
Fightin the battle inside and out
Faith in actions what Im bout
With a scream and a shout, I aint goin out
Im not ashamed to proclaim his name for Im Christ stained
So when Im spittin this flames in the mist of this thang
I look back and remember when Christ rocked my game
Just take me back to the place where I first put Christ in reign

---Take Me Back. song written and produced by E-Rock ---

i'm strugglin with things to put on this xanga of mine..i was sent this survey so here we go..

1. Made out for more than 3 minutes? wow great question to start off
2. Slept in a different bed? yeah a lot of different ones
4. Made out with 2 different people in one night? really? i mean really..
5. Thought your cousin was hot? haha i have a few..
6. Been in love? yeah i'm pretty sure..that was a mistake haha
7. Slept in? thats how i do it
9. Gone over the speed limit? always
10. Painted your room? yeah
11. Drove a car? these are great questions
12. Danced in front of your mirror? of course not haha
13. Gotten a hickey? no thanks
14. Been dumped? mmm not really..
15. Stolen money from a friend? no
16. Gotten in a car with people you just met? yeah sort of
17. Been in a fist fight? haha not a real one..but i would tear it up haha
18. Snuck out of your house? hmm..
19. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? ummm yeah
20. Been arrested? not yet haha
21. Made out with a stranger? wow
22. Left your house with out telling your parents? all the time
23. Had a crush on your neighbor? haha yup..we were good friends haha
24. Ditched school to do something more fun? yeah..anything's more fun than school haha
25. Slept in a bed with a member of the same or opposite sex? yeah like sleepovers or retreats or whatever
26. Seen someone die? well that's sad..no i haven't
27. Been on a plane? yeah
28. Kissed a picture? not at all
29. Slept in until 3? mm probably
30. Love someone or miss someone right now? always..
31. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? for sure
32. Made a snow angel? yeah
33. Played dress up? in younger years
34. Cheated while playing a game? haha all the time..that's the only way i can win ha
35. Been lonely? oh yes
36. Fallen asleep at work/school? don't think so
37. Gotten Drunk? not quite
38. Felt an earthquake? nope
39. Touched a snake? probably
40. Ran a red light? it was yellow
41. Been suspended from school? almost did a few times..tardies and taco bell..haha..
42. Had detention? only like 14 times in one semester haha
43. Been in a car? dang these are really great questions..no i have never been in a car..wow
44. Hated the way you look? mmhmm
45. Witnessed a crime? i saw a boy steal a candy bar! haha
46. Been lost? nope i'm really good with directions haha
47. Been to the opposite side of the country? someday
48. Felt like dying from embarrassment? haha probably
49. Cried yourself to sleep? i'm good at that..
50. Sang karaoke? nope
51. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? umm yeah..
52. Laughed till some kind of beverage came out of your nose? nope..out of my mouth yeah
53. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? yeaaauhh
54. Kissed in the rain? aww how romantic haha
55. Sung in the shower? haha yeah you know me
56. Had a dream that you married someone? i dunno
57. Played getting married? haha probably
58. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? would i really be that dumb haha.. 
61. Sat on a roof top? yup good times
62. Didn't take a shower for a week? sick
63. Ever been too scared to watch scary movies alone? uh yeah..i get so scared watching them with a bunch of people
64. Played chicken? probably
65. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? haha i think
66. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? yeah..you creeps haha
67. Broken a bone? yeah i'll never jump again haha
68. Been easily amused? nah..
69. Laugh so hard you cry? haha yup 
70. Cheated on a test? not that i remember
71. Forgotten someone's name? haha yeah my bad..
72. Blacked out from drinking? no
73. Played a prank on someone? haha we try
74. Gone to a late night movie? yeah
76. Failed a class? nope
77. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? haha
78. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? ahh
79. Cheated on a girlfriend/boyfriend? nah
80. Did you celebrate the 4th of July? yeah pool party and fireworks
81. Thrown strange objects? haha what does strange mean
82. Felt like someone? felt like someone? what the hey dude..
83. Thought about running away? umm..everyday haha
84. Ran away? close
85. Had detention and not attend it? haha yeah
86. Made parents cry? i dont think so
87. Cried over someone? yeah for sure
88. Owned more than 5 sharpies? haha yup i'm cool like that
89. Dated someone more than once? no
90. Have a dog? no
91. Own an instrumnt? bass guitar
92. Been in a band? haha no
93. Drank 25 sodas in a day? dang
94. Broken a cd? prolly
95. Shot a gun? yeah
96. Been on myspace for more than 5 hours? haha no
98. Have a major crush on someone right now? always..haha..
99. Have a religion? it's not about religion it's a relationship
100. Thought about what people would say at your funeral? yeah..

Currently Listening The Distance to Here By Live Dance With You; The Dolphins Cry see related

^my cousin ava..she's so cute..she says everything so excitedly haha

^and olivia..she makes me laugh

^this is henry the little boy i babysit next door..yes his name is henry haha..he told me that he was going to write me a note that said he didn't love me anymore because i wouldn't let him have a can of pop like right before his bed time haha..that made me sad haha

^and oliver..henry's little brother..his smile makes me laugh

^henry loved my digital..he was sitting on my lap just randomly taking pictures like crazy haha..of like the 4 million he took this one's actually kinda cute haha..

^another one henry took haha..yeah that's me in the middle of all the toys haha..i wasn't just playing with them all by myself of course..oliver was around there too..i'm sure..haha..

^henry just had to take another of me and oliver haha..

holla

I wanna dance with you..
I see a sky full of the stars that change our minds
..and lead us back to a world we would not face
..in this altered state
..full of so much pain and rage
..you know we got to find a way to let it go